This is a movie from the point of view of a dog who found is purpose to be with his owner Ethan. When we first meet him we find that he is a puppy and trying to figure out what life is about. Then when he passes he becomes a new dog and play a different role in other people minds as he gets older. This cycle continues at the end of the time he is with Ethan and come back later as a different do to make sure Ethan is still on a good path.
So, for week I have been toying with the idea of getting a dog. The reason I allowed myself to do that was because I just started a new job in the middle of August that had me working less hours during the day. So, I would not feel as bad leaving a dog home alone for that amount of time. I started looking on Young Williams Animal Center's website to see if there are any dogs that I might love. I kept coming back to that one dog named Churchill. He is a Mastiff/ Chinese Shar Pei mix. Totally loveable, and sweet and everything. I thought I would not be able to get him because he is part mastiff. I emailed my complex and they said I could adopt him if I wanted.
I call tell them I want to meet him, they have me take him for a sleepover at my place for a few days!
He is the sweetest boy ever! He is adorable and I love him! He came home and we met my parents, my bother and his dog, and had a really good first day. Then I had to go to work the next day.... That when things got bad.
I spent the whole day in a near panic attack because I freaked myself out having a dog. Yeah, I know it sound stupid, and it is, but I was so scared all day long. I spent the whole day in tears not know if I should keep him or not.
To be clear I had not officially adopted him yet. He came home with me just for a few days to see if everything would work out. There was no commitment to for me to keep him. He only stayed for about 3 days. I don't want anyone to think I keeps him for weeks then gave him back up for adoption.
A long, sad, and overemotional two days later. Churchill went back to Young Williams. It was heartbreaking because I do love him and I want him to have the best home. After actually having him in my life, and knowing he would be my responsibility is when I realized I wasn't as ready for him as I thought. It's a combination of I live alone, I don't have huge amounts of money if he were to get sick, and I am out and about a lot and can't really take him with me. Also, I think his size messed with me too. He is cuddly, and wonderful but he is a big dog. I never had pets growing up. My family was not big on pets so we never got any. So, I felt like I didn't know anything and felt like I wasn't going to give him the care I needed.
I have been beating myself for the last few days and feeling totally embarrassed that I left him down. I know that I did was the right thing but it's doesn't make it any less hard. I know that I should not keep an animal that I an not prepared for. It would not be fair to any of us.
What made it all the worse was a felt like I didn't conquer a fear. Yes, originally I wanted adopting a dog to be part of this challenge this time last year. I changed that because working 10 hour days was not going to be good the for the and that why I changed my mind. All of this came back to be a part of this challenge because I thought it was the right time and the right dog. Now it seems it was the right dog but wrong timing for me. He is the perfect dog, he is the smartest dog, and he is the most loving dog. However, I know that I could not be the best human for him. It was better for him to get a better chance at life with someone I know can be that for him.
No, I did not conquer the fear of getting a dog but that doesn't mean I failed. I still pushed my boundaries and tried. That is what matter and what makes this year to be great. I learned where the line was. I learned that I am under prepared for a dog. That doesn't mean I will always be. That means that I have to come up with some tactics to get prepared. I want to volunteer sometimes to walk the dogs maybe a Young Williams and get to know dogs better in general. I can work with them and get to know how to better care for a dog. I can take my time to see if I would do better with a smaller dog, or an older dog, or if maybe a dog is something that really isn't for me? Maybe I am a better Aunt to a dog than an owner.
Failing doesn't mean that you can't do something. It just means you have to learn and grow until you know how to succeed.
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