Life is...

So....

Life....

Yeah....

....

Life is.... what? 

That right there is THE hardest question that I have even tried to figure out. When you're young life is... Simple. When you're a teen life is... Dramatic. When you're a young adult life is... complicated. When you're an adult you think life is... easy. As you get older you seem to come across a few things. 

Life is.... not what you think, Life is... not you always wanted, Life is.... not what it appears to be. 

Now before you freak and think that I am some depressed girl letting her angst out behind a computer keyboard. I am not. I am not jumping off the deep end, I am not saying that the world sucks, and this is not some crazy cry for help. 

What I am trying to say is Life is... Now.

 I am 23, worked at the same place for the last 7 years, spent four year getting a two year degree, failed a whole semesters worth of classes earlier this year, retaking those same classes again. Home life is currently a total wreck with no hope on really changing anytime soon, and I have no means to move out on my own, AND have no idea what I am going to do after I graduate.

Life in the now is really all I have... currently Life in the now.... Sucks.

Now I am not saying this because I am going to do anything rash.. I am saying it because until today I did not realize just tonight how much I was just going through the motions of life. 

I knew that I was not fully here but I did not realize how much I checked out just so I could survive through some temporary stuff. I have no idea when in the last year that I stopped putting my heart into things. I have no idea when I stopped caring as much as I did. I know that this was gradual, that I didn't just wake up one day and say "I give up I don't care". 

Funny thing is I learned how much I stopped by doing something I always do.... Watch NCIS: New Orleans. King said something that was my "Wake up call" if you will he said "Don't let a bad situation define who you are". 

It's funny how something that simple can sum up a whole mess of a year. This year has been bad for me. Losing people I love, incorporating new people, work drama, home drama, failing school, transitions at work, looking for a way out and not seeming to find one. 

It's like Marilyn Monroe said "sometimes good things fall apart so better think can come together".

Things are not going to get better right away but I believe that they will soon. 

I turn 24 next week and it's already looking better than 23... simply because.... 23 will not be the year that defines the rest of my life.